The one about the wounded man
On Tuesday, I was invited to the premiere of The Dying Gaul, a film based on a play by Craig Lucas. Craig is, I think, one of those brilliant minds you hear spoken of often by academics and the like. I took Synge with me and she was very silent afterward. We both toked about the impact it made on us, but neither could really articulate what it was about. This frustrated me. I knew it affected me, but I couldn't figure out why. It hit me the next day. It is about, among other things, cruelty and compassion and how there is a very fine line that separates the two. I believe that this is true of life and it frightens me. The film also had one of the greatest lines I've heard in quite a while: "Hackers and thieves unlike screenwriters don't have to put their name all over everything." It was a fun night and I got to meet an acting legend, Marian Seldes. My few readers I'm sure don't know who she is. Google her. She is a marvel.
Also on Tuesday I got into a terrible fight with my mother. I have been feeling emotionally fragile as of late and she, as is her way, must inflict her cruelty and manipulation on me. It is a symptom of her own mental illness. I do not want to go into the details of the fight, except to say that I refuse to be emotionally abused by her anymore. Vix and her mother say that's it's a symptom of her depression. My mother's mental illness is not mine and having a relationship with her puts me in a deeply depressed state. Why would anyone inflict this on themselves. She sent me an email saying that she loved me and wanted to talk to me. I cannot and will not respond. She does not understand that her words have meaning and consequences. I know that Chanteuse may have harsh words for me, and Synge as well, but this is how I feel. I am saddened that it has come to this, but I am will not play the role of her emotional punching bag anymore. I have not been sleeping or eating for months and it is, in part, because of the anxiety she has caused me. I elect to stop it.
Finally, I found pictures of The Daft Punk online pleasuring himself. My favorite part, though, is the ad that accompanies the pictures. It says, "I'm LTR (long term relationship) oriented." Obviously. Nothing like a shot of your penis hanging out of a pair of gym shorts to say "You can bring me home to mom." For those who are interested, I'd be more than happy to forward a link.
posted by MAH @ 11:58 AM
3 Comments:
i would never judge your decisions on how to ineract with your family- just because my parents are dead doesn't mean that i think all living parents are wonderful and perfect. in fact, my own dearly departed dad had a very similar problem to your mom- he very frequently said mean and reactionary things to me then didn't understand why i got upset (or stayed upset). this also caused a problem with all of his wives. i'm sorry you have to deal with that though.
I just think that you really have a very close relationship with your mother and to separate yourself from her will do more harm than good. I don't really think you CAN separate yourself from her, so I think the best thing is to learn how to create boundries rather than just say you're not going to speak to her.
you and i have been through all this on the phone, so i won't go in depth. i will, however, reiterate that
1. i don't have harsh words for you. yes, i worry you may end up having regrets, but i also firmly believe (as i told you many times) that you do not deserve the emtional manipulation you are receiving and by all means should not meekly roll over and put up with the attempted puppetry of your emotions and life.
2. the emotional manipulation will not end by a simple not speaking to her, as you have seen. perhaps you can approach the situation and any conversation from the angle of seeking to heal and change the realtionship and behaviors rather than attempting to completely extinguish them.
MAH, you are a remarkable person. I say this often because I know you do not hear it. And as such, you deserve every bit of the huge amount of respect and love that you give to others to be given back to you. No less.
Changing relationships and behaviors does take time, but it is doable. I'm in that self-same process in my own life right now, and although its been slow moving, i've found change and healing where i never ever thought i would. but it takes time, and it takes many deep breaths and attention to non-accusative approaches - which is incredibly difficult when you're so emotionally involved. But remember, you're trying to rebuild, not destroy.
oy! i meant to keep this brief!
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